Poll: why am i now hairless, pantless, and maimed?

I just woke up inside the employees only bathroom at stop n shop. My head is shaved bald, my pants are missing, and theres a monstrously huge gouge on my ear. Theres poop on my shoes and a container of cottage cheese shoved down my shirt. Any possible explanations? I dont remember a single thing.....im terrified and feel disgusted